starting again

Its always been one of those things that has hit me harder than it should. I've always struggled with the finality of it all. I will never wake up with her next to me again..Never again will I wrap my arms around her, and tell her that its all going to be ok. All of these things that we planned together; the old farmhouse in the south of France, the romantic proposal just before her birthday in Krakow, the 3 kids and 2 dogs and 1 donkey..where do they go?What happens to them?

Whether or not its the right thing or not has never come into it. I try to be closed,aloof, hard. But I cannot deny it. I am a romantic; a dreamer; in love with the life that we plan together, and willing to overlook the faults of myself, of my partner, and of the relationship. But for a good cause - happyness. Is that too old fashioned?

In an age where we are flooded with choices and opportunities to better ourselves - regardless of whether we deserve it - who is going to settle for something flawed, even just slightly. The grass being constantly greener - through extensive use of fertilizer - who wants to settle? Apart from me?

Me - I'm young-ish, successful-ish, well educated-ish and well travelled-ish. I know who I am, and I quite like who I am, most of the time. And I know what I want, I think. I was sure of it on Tuesday at 11:00pm in the hotel bar when we were drinking and chatting and smiling. I wanted a farmhouse in the south of France, a romantic proposal just before her birthday in Krakow, the 3 kids, the 2 dogs and the 1 donkey. But that is not my dream. Its not even hers; that was ours.

I was happy with Soph. Not gloriously, overwhelmingly in love, but I was well on my way. And here is the real f**ker. She was too. I'm dead fucking certain of it.

So, here I am, a single romantic dreamer in need of not only a new love, but of a new dream.

And that scares the shit out of me.